Friday, February 20, 2009 ; 2:51 PMY
& We gotta love rock
Something was definitely somewhere wrong yesterday.
It started off great, dii got back day before yesterday and he come over yesterday. He bought me this beautiful shawl. Its has a very unique colour that has a combination and turns out a blast! I gave him the 3day diary I made for him. Ok about this dairy thing it came from the idea of abang. Years back when he was with Regina, Regina had to go out-station to London for hr architect work stuff so they had no way to contact for 1week or so. So on the first day abang ask me for a stack of full scap paper and a file. And I gave him my school full scap and my sch file. And he made this daily diary which he wrote every single detail of what he did, what he was thinking all equip detail. I was cheeky at that time to actually read the first 2days then I stop cause he really was personally about. From there I realise how romantic my brother could actually be. So I did the same thing when dii left to genting for 3days and I have absolutely no way to contact him. It really was genuine me inside out when I wrote that book dii and I just want u to know that. At home dii was telling us about his wonderful trip to genting which I so cant wait for his pictures to come. When I recall back when the last time our family went there. Was the first and the last time we went as a whole complete family. I took out our family video cam and watch it halfway. I was just simply speechless.
Dii had night shift yesterday. Ouh yea dii bought durians! Ate after lunch..
At night had a small tiff but settle it. But just one small thing that was so difficult for me to settle. I don’t know why everytime a tear that comes out from my eye I wish abang was there beside me telling me its ok or scolding me “why are u crying?” like he said in my dream. It was around 1.00am and I still couldn’t sleep.
Im just so disappointed to myself to why am I not perfect to make you the best and happy. Sometimes what I say I myself don’t realise that it actually hurts u. u expect more in me which sometimes I get confuse just afraid that it might turn to a mistake. I still have the “miss” in me that everytime u get a bit edgy I feel the hurt.
I close the TV and stare blankly to my room. Just looking at the stars beaming to my eyes. Questions after questions pop to my mind. Why abang left? Why must it be him? Why now? Why this and that? Its not just about losing a person. Its just about a complete life that u have stick with all ur life just suddenly GONE. I woke up and restart the video. Ur laugh, ur smile just brings the rush of blood to my veins. I just couldn’t stop the tears. The video was u making jokes for us to laugh but I don’t understand why it actually turns to cries. Went to ur room and ur not there. Just ur smell, ur pictures and everything u left for us. I will wait for the answers cause one day im sure to know.
Labels: hurt to gone
